Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
