I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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