I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
