i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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