I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
