I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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