You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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