I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
there is glitter all over my balls
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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