dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
