hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize