I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
