addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
