this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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