R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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