Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
