She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
