and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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