I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
