He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
