just tell him i said nine months
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
