I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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