Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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