I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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