i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
