I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
