I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
