So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
