so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
