i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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