Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
