Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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