When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
