did you get engaged???
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
