The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
