I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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