if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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