He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
