I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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