I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize