Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Randomize
