I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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