as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
