This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
