Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
