I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
