The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
