I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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