the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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