Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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