I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
