Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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