worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
