That's when you crack a 10am beer
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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