my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
