when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Girls should come with a carfax report
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
