I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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