One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize