I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i think i have two assholes
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
