that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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