i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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