I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
my penis made a compromise with my morals
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
