I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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