sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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