im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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