I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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