The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
