But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
