Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
please come you make the beer taste better
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
