I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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