Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
